I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
