why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
