Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
