Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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