Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
