I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
