I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
