im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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