Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
