I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We need to get me chipped asap
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
