go do what you do best...puke behind churches
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
