Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
