First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
