If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
