i just sent this text using only my big toe
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
