You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
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