i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
