I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
