I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
