tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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