I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
