If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
