I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
