**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
