I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
