Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
