I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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