awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
