i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
