is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
