he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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