my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
