and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
