I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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