Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
