Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
