I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
