Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
