I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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