Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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