bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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