Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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