Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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