you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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