No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
