Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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