You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
