i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
