Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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