She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
