i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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